To happiness, to finding myself, to having fun. To being ok.
This summer, this trip, it's my final attempt at finding something to live for, finding something in me.
i want my friends and family to stop worrying about me. to be happy.
but i want one more thing
i want to feel special, like im irreplaceable to someone, anyone.
i want to know that someone needs me in the way that i so badly need someone to need me right now.
i want what i want every year- to fall asleep without being consumed by loneliness and despair.
but you can’t always get what you want huh?
worst flare up in years past 2 days. called my mom crying, begging to let me go to the hospital. finally got painkillers from the pharmacy today and now all thats left is an awful migraine. trying to ice/sleep the pain away is not working. fml. so much pain
im ok. this weekend was amazing but i had an awful flare up coming back last night. um i just get sad when i see everyone else hooking up with boys or just flirting with them. i cant do things everyone else can so i couldnt go cliff jumping or white water rafting which blows and sets me back a bit. idk i just wish i could still do things i love, things that everyone around me is taking for granted. i wish i didnt have to realize that i can never do a full semester abroad because my body simply cannot handle it. i wish my tics were better or that i could use my wrist or get through one day without feeling exhausted/sleeping for hours. i wish i didn’t have to realize that i could never be a guide for this company here where people graduate then take study abroad kids all over europe. i wish i didnt need my inhaler after walking or have to drug myself up in order to swim in a water fall with minimal pain. i wish i didnt have the flare ups where i literally cant do anything but lie down and try to breathe in the least painful way possible. i wish my body was 19 instead of 91. i wish i could care about school and little things. i wish i wasn’t nauseus 24/7 , always feeling like im gonna throw up. i wish i could stop gaining weight. i wish i could be the loud/obnoxious one. I wish my friends didn’t love me as much as they do. and i wish i didn’t miss arvind every single second of every day. i wish the giant weight on my chest would lift.
but none of these will change. and so im still wokring on it. still adjusting. so all i can say is i’m ok for now